I can't believe I'm about to share this with all of you, but out of all my 30 years I only have ONE regret. I said "yes" to an engagement proposal to a man I had fallin out of love with. I'll explain myself:
While going to college at Sam Houston I met a guy named TJ (while working at McKenzie's BBQ) and had a crush on him instantly. He was adorable inside and out. We began dating a couple months later and were pretty much attached at each other's hips after that. He was a linebacker for the football team and pretty dang good at it! I think I fell in love with everything around him. I know that sounds weird. But I loved going to the football games and cheering him on, I loved hanging out with all the football guys and being at all their parties, I loved going to the bars and clubs, I was just having so much fun during this time. I was still so young and had no clue what I was going to do with myself after graduation. After playing football he decided to be a graduate assistant for the team while he worked on his master's. This really started changing our relationship. He felt like since he was coaching his friends he didn't need to party with them anymore just out of respect. I understand this. We were 22 and 23 and NEVER left the house though. I still wanted to run and play while being in college and I just felt like we were some old married couple always sticking to ourselves. It was hard to talk with him about this because he was so happy with coaching. Another thing that put tension on the relationship is the simple fact of him being a football coach. If anyone is a wife to a football coach you know exactly what I'm talking about. He was NEVER with me. He pretty much lived at that field house. Was this something I wanted for the rest of my life? (Yes, I know I married a coach...but being a volleyball coach is completely different than being a football coach).
Fast forward: I graduated in December 03' and decided to go through a teaching program there at Sam Houston just so I could stay closer to him one more year. I finished May of 2005. And yes, he still had one more year left of graduate school. I went home for that summer to stressfully look for a teaching job. I had no idea that summer would change my life forever. I felt that TJ and I really grew apart that summer. I was home and he was taking summer school in Huntsville. We never saw each other and when we did talk on the phone our conversations were so boring. Example: "Hello?" "Hey what are you doing?" "Oh, nothing just watching some TV, you?" "Oh, just laying around." pause....pause...."So what are you doing tonight?" "Oh, probably just watching some TV or something." "Oh ok, well I'll call you later then." click... I hated it. But....I just thought to myself, maybe that's how every long distance relationship was. Heck I didn't know and I didn't talk to anyone about it. (I had a really hard time expressing my feelings back in the day. I kept everything inside!) I was really unhappy that summer. I was just having doubts about everything. I wasn't sure on my future with him. I knew I loved him but was I in love with him?? In my mind I kept telling myself once I find a job we will probably grow further and further apart and then it will be easier to break up with him being away from each other. That was my thought at least.
Fast forward: Finally at the end of July I get a call for a job interview in Mexia. I had no idea where Mexia even was but I didn't care....I needed a job. (You have all heard the story of my interview and I got the job.) After leaving the interview I was headed to Dallas with TJ to celebrate his birthday and now to help celebrate my new job! Saturday night I got a really bad bladder infection and did not want to go out but TJ kept insisting that we go bc he had a fun night planned for us. He told me to bring something nice to wear bc we were eating at a nice restaurant. We ended up at the Reunion Tower (the big ball tower in Dallas) for dinner. Yummy! After dinner he told me he had another surprise for me. I'm thinking he was going to take me some where for dessert. Was I wrong!! He pulled out a ring and put it on the table. OMG! I could hear a table full of old ladies whispering, "He's going to ask her to marry him!" I on the other hand wanted to vomit. I had NO clue he was going to propose anytime soon. He told me over and over it would be in the spring if it was going to happen. What a surprise. How do you say no to this?? Plus it was his mother's diamond. I already hated the fact that he did it in public. (I think proposing is a very intimate thing for just the two of you.) So, I said yes. There, now you know my biggest regret.
I was sick after leaving that weekend from his home. I loved loved loved his family. I knew after leaving that I would probably never see them again and I would end up hurting them all. We stayed engaged for about a month and then I had to let him know how I was feeling. Still to this day that was the hardest thing I have ever done. I think I would much rather push a baby out!! I never ever wanted to hurt someone like this. I knew the feeling of being hurt and it killed me more than he will ever know. But I didn't want to marry someone that I wasn't in love with and end up in a divorce 2 years later. Since the break up we have never seen or spoken to each other. Crazy..... It's been almost 6 years now.
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